VICE CITY — Residents were advised to flee rising floodwater Wednesday, subject to dress code, table availability and a two-bottle minimum.
The instruction came from the city’s new emergency hospitality partner, promoter Roxy Vane, whose waterfront nightclub had been designated a shelter after officials learned it already owned ropes, a smoke machine and several men accustomed to refusing entry.
General admission evacuees were directed to the ground floor. Platinum guests received upstairs seating and a dry towel. Those wearing flip-flops were asked to return with shoes, although several had arrived without a street.
“People panic when they feel abandoned,” Vane said. “Giving them a choice of packages really helps.”
At 6:40 p.m., water reached the DJ booth. The DJ announced an exclusive flood set. At 6:44, he asked the crowd to put their hands up because someone had stolen the laptop beneath his.
Police secured six rescue boats from a recently seized smuggling fleet. Their former owner, Dario “Low Tide” Bell, volunteered to operate them after being assured that volunteering would not count as an admission that the boats had ever belonged to him.
Bell transported the first group to safety, then attempted to invoice the city by the kilo. Officials requested a passenger-based rate. Bell said nobody had complained about his pricing before they started opening the bags.
A second boat collected guests from a flooded hotel terrace while a police launch pursued its captain for an unrelated warrant. The chase proceeded down a shopping boulevard at four knots. Tourists applauded from the roof of a souvenir shop until both boats stopped to dispute a floating valet sign.
I arrived with a waterproof press pass and a recorder that was apparently only emotionally prepared for rain. Vane offered me a rescue seat in exchange for describing the shelter as “intimate.” I took the seat. The boat was crowded enough to make the description defensible.
The city’s tourism director, Alton Sleet, rejected reports of infrastructure failure. “Visitors usually pay extra to get this close to the water,” he said from a helicopter that had been booked as a wedding arrival.
By midnight, all shelter guests had reached higher ground. Vane hailed the evacuation as a sellout and announced a reunion night for survivors who had purchased the photography package.
Bell returned my drowned recorder this morning. He had found it in the boat and placed it inside a suspiciously heavy gift bag.
The attached card says the first delivery is complimentary.
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