LOS SANTOS — Police praised the city’s first carbon-neutral crime spree Tuesday after twelve electric supercars were stolen from an environmental fundraiser, then recovered at the same charging station.
The vehicles belonged to guests at the Rockford Hills “Give Back Less” gala, where admission included a bamboo lanyard and permission to describe a private flight as a difficult personal decision.
Organiser Blaise Coppet said the thefts demonstrated “a growing appetite for sustainable mobility among people traditionally excluded by ownership.” He then asked security to remove a waiter eating a canapé.
The convoy reached a charging plaza in Burton before its lead driver discovered that the advertised range had been calculated without air-conditioning, passengers or a police pursuit. The remaining drivers joined the queue. Several began fighting over whose app had reserved the plug.
“I used to steal petrol cars,” said one masked suspect, who asked to be identified as an entrepreneur. “You could actually fuck off in those.”
A second suspect attempted to escape on a rental bicycle. Its account check rejected his photograph because he was still wearing the mask.
LSPD spokesperson Captain Denny Rusk credited an experimental strategy of waiting. “Our officers showed extraordinary restraint while the charging cable was connected. Those things are expensive.”
The standoff ended when a pursuing cruiser struck the transformer, blacking out four blocks and briefly making the nearby wellness centre’s digital silence retreat genuinely silent. Guests demanded refunds for the missing guided silence.
I was filing from my battered news van when a gala contractor asked to borrow its generator. Twenty minutes later, police impounded the van as “charging infrastructure associated with organised crime.” They allowed me to retrieve my press card, provided I left the neck strap as evidence.
The gala continued by candlelight. Coppet auctioned a photograph of the burning transformer as a warning about fossil fuels. The photograph sold to the towing company for $48,000. Its trucks remained outside with their engines running.
City environmental officers subsequently awarded the stolen convoy a clean-air certificate. Police kept the certificate for the press conference and arrested the driver holding it.
My van is now accumulating a daily storage charge at the city impound. Captain Rusk says I should be proud to have supported the investigation.
The towing company has offered me a carbon offset. It will plant a tree if I surrender the vehicle.
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